My weekend was, to say the least, crap. We spent Sunday and Monday doing absolutely nothing. I had meant for Sunday to be special. Spent with just the two of us with no television or video games, but apparently that wasn�t in the proverbial cards. My surprise was a bust because the chocolate wasn�t being agreeable and it just turned into a mess. I was really embarrassed and just hopped into the shower. I felt relatively miserable after that and ended up crying later that night feeling like he didn�t even care that I had at least tried to do something nice.

He gave me more stuff, not exactly what I had in mind, but sweet nonetheless. He got me a little kids� board book called If You Were My Bunny and a little stuffed bunny to go with it. He said that he was going to get me one of the little pig purses that they have at B&N with the Rushmore soundtrack in it, but that was a little expensive. The bunny and book are adorable and I love them, but I guess I was somehow expecting more. He works right next door to where I got him his flowers, and they�re not expensive, so I couldn�t understand why he wouldn�t get me flowers. I guess I just put a lot of stock into the gift giving/ receiving holidays because I don�t get any of the �Just Because� gifts that seem to run rampant in other relationships. I try to give them in the form of special dinners and various other little things, but it just seems like him cleaning up the living room is not a gift, it�s just something he should do anyhow. I also find myself seeming to devote a lot more time/money/energy or some combination thereof than he does. I spent hours deciding what to do and make and give and buy and I felt really stupid after giving them all because it just seemed like he didn�t really care. He said that he did care and that he loved them.

So last night I told him that I didn�t want to cook and he could cook anything, I didn�t care just so long as I wasn�t involved in any part of the process since I make dinner ninety-nine percent of the time. He suggested a few things and I just wasn�t in the mood to be deciding what to eat, so I shot them down. I ended up eating left over pasta for dinner. I later explained to him that when he wants to make dinner for me, he should just do it. Don�t ask me what I want, don�t throw out suggestions, just make it and I�ll be appreciative. I shouldn�t have to have a role in the preparation of every single meal I eat.

I tried engaging him later in the evening by lowering his bent knees and straddling him while he was lying on the floor. He said I was squishing his testicles, so I got off of him. He spent the next several minutes trying to get me to sit on him again, but by that point I was discouraged and refused. Less than twenty minutes later, even though I was obviously ruffled and had been all day, he goes into the bedroom and comes out bearing a coupon to redeem with me. I told him no and he rolled over on the couch with his back to me and started crying, saying he had spent the whole day trying to get close to me but I kept brushing him off. I had felt similarly about him. He woke up in a strange mood and felt distant, so my reaction to that is to distance myself equally and for longer.

We went through my disappointment regarding being bored all weekend, being bored sexually (the reason I gave him the gifts that I did), not getting what I had hoped for in terms of gifts, and everything in between up to and including how we Never. Do. Anything. Sometimes I just think that we should live apart. It would be more expensive, yes, but it would preserve so much sanity. He could invite me over, we could go out together, and we could actually not be practically married and have our own lives. Granted, I do love to live with him, but sometimes it gets to be too much. I guess what I really would need is just some space that�s specifically mine; just a place for me to go when I don�t want to deal with the world. I just feel really cooped up sometimes and want to be in a place that�s solely mine. I tire of shared space into which anyone can waltz at any time.