Now back to my regularly scheduled journaling.

I�m having a wretched day. I guess I just woke in something of a funk. Granted, the news that I�m going to have to close out my saving account to pay bills didn�t help anything since that�s the last I have to my name. I just don�t feel I�m living the life that I want and I don�t know how to make any kind of move in the direction that would lead me there.

Luke knew all day that something was wrong and I just didn�t want to talk about it. I told him I was fine and he continued to give me the look that reads, � I wish you would open up to me, please. Just this once. Your hurting hurts me too, if not more, and I need for you to let me in.� I desperately want to share with him, not because it will feel better to get it out, but because it�s what he so greatly seems to desire. I guess, even after this long and all that has happened, I�m still afraid. I worry that fully confiding in him and allowing him to breach the wall I have so carefully built around myself will allow him to hurt me. Intellectually, I know he won�t, but I can�t convince my emotions and they are, much to my chagrin, sometimes stronger than my intellect. I also know that by not confiding in him, I am punishing not only myself, but him as well, but I don�t know how to stop.

Dropping him off at work, he apologized for my having to use the last of my savings despite knowing that he is not at fault and sat in the car silently for a full minute or more before deciding to go in. He kissed me, told me he loved me, and left. As I was driving away he gave a secret wave and I began to cry. I had felt like doing so for the majority of our time together, but instead of risking his crying, I chose to keep them in.

He gets very sensitive when he feels something is wrong. He�s more sensitive in the face of my feelings than he is about his own. He can have the worst day in the history of the world and just be a little grumpy, but if I seem off, he really freaks out.

Nearly two hours later, I don�t feel any better. The tears have receded; they had by the time I was out of the parking lot, but I still feel on the edge of crying. I�m really hoping tat by the time I go to get him tonight, this will have passed and I�ll be fine, but it�s not like I have anything to cheer me up, what with being all alone and having nothing to do. Maybe I�ll skip working out today and curl up in my bed so I can watch a healthy helping of nerdly.

I did make a fine batch of cinnamon and brown sugar pancakes this afternoon, though. They were luxuriously fluffy and very good. It was the first time I�d tried such a thing and I think I may continue the practice into the future. Leftovers will be had for dinner, as I don�t feel like cooking for one tonight.