Things here are still tense. It seems as if there�s no respite from the things that continue to happen and it�s driving a wedge farther and farther between us. We (I) spoke again about breaking up again today. I think, though, that I�m trying to run away from the problems instead of standing up to them and fighting back. Part of the reason I want to run is the constant verbal insistence that I am a priority, when time and time again it is proven through action that such a thing is not true. He has a hard time at work, he ignores me; weekends are spent with one full day with his family (oh, I wish such a thing were possible for me) and the other partially with him on the computer and the rest with Andy. Where�s my time? I know also that I rely all too heavily on him for my human contact, but I don�t make new friends easily and would prefer to commiserate with people who know who I was and not the shadow that I am now after almost three long years of intense isolation and friendlessness.

He says that while he knows that his family loves him, they don�t love him in the way that I do, that he needs me in order to get through the hard times that seem to be hitting us one after another right now. He wants to work on spending more time together to see if we can�t reconnect, to try and make it so that we are partners again, not just two people who live together and occasionally have sex. I miss having a partner; someone who I knew wanted to see me all the time and wanted me around no matter what. Lately, it�s just seemed like each of us wants to slither away into our own headspaces, unwilling to share what�s going on internally and it really makes me sad.

He called yesterday afternoon and apologized to me for his behavior of the morning and I yelled at him for 20 minutes. Eventually, I accepted the apology, but apologies have little credibility with me. In my experience, the utterance of �I�m sorry� has only been the equivalent of �I�m going to apologize because if I don�t you�ll leave. This doesn�t mean that I�m not going to do it again because, oh, I will, and how.� While I know that Luke�s apologies don�t mean that exactly, it�s hard to change proven-over-time definitions. It�s also hard to realize that the definition doesn�t mean, �I won�t do it ever again�, but instead, �I�ll try my damnedest not to, so don�t freak out if I slip.�

It hurts a lot to write about these things, more than I ever wanted it to. I never wanted prolonged feelings of being lost, of not knowing what to do with myself, of realizing that I have changed as a result of the isolation. I�ve become harder, bitter, sarcastic, sometimes downright mean. Can I change that? Can I be who I was? When I go back home will everyone still love me as they did when I made my departure?