I don�t think I slept at all last night. The TV was turned off at about 12:45am and the last time I bothered to look at the clock was after 3. I know I slept at some point, but for how long I don�t know. All I know is that I woke with a start several times and had trouble getting back to sleep.

To define where I am emotionally would be very difficult. Most of the time, I really don�t feel much of anything. It�s almost as if I�m hollow and the winds make a whistling sound as they blow through me. I have a hard time cracking either smile or frown and though there may be a lump prickling in my throat, I can�t seem to cry. Being touched doesn�t fell like much, either. The warmth that usually surrounds a touch is gone and all I feel is a desire to worm away. I guess that feeling this way leads me to believe that I am unworthy of attention and love because, ultimately, I am. Who wants to spend time with a person whose eyes have gone dull and whose speech has gone soft and apathetic? I know that deep down somewhere there�s a lot of pain, but most of the time I really can�t feel it. I also know that somewhere within me dwells the love I need in order to be fair to Luke, but I�m so entrenched that it�s not got room to squeeze out. I do love him. I don�t say it because I need to reassure myself of the fact; I say it because it�s truth. My love for him is an integral part of me; it grows in me and around me as every day goes by.

To end the relationship now would be unfair to both of us. I�d forever look back and know that I gave up something more enriching and genuine than anything else. Not only that, but I would have the guilt of having broken Luke�s heart so callously with little regard for him. He has said before that were we to break up, he wouldn�t want to remain friends, that he�d be unable to bear seeing me dating other people while he still loved me. Losing him, as both love and best friend, would almost certainly prove to be a blow from which I would have an immensely difficult time recovering and it�s something I simply am not willing to do, especially given his selflessness in wanting to put things aside and help get me back to be where I need to be in order to live a semi-normal life.

We�ve decided that I�m going to be bringing him his dinner tonight and tomorrow. We need the time together and it will get me out of the house, if only for a short while. One of my problems is that I simply don�t get out enough. We don�t have money to do things and I don�t like to go out and about on my own, so with him is the only way I ever get out. Prior to today, I hadn�t been out of the house since Monday and I think it�s been anything but helpful to me. I know that what I really need is to get away for a week or so, but with Luke working and not having any vacation days yet, that�s an impossibility. I know that there are people with whom I could possibly stay in cities around the country, provided we were able to cart ourselves there, but I don�t feel very good asking to stay with people and it�s not like it�s really a viable option anyway, given the lack of available days.

I haven�t been getting enough to drink since the weather cooled off earlier this week. I need to make it a point to drink even when I�m not sweating like crazy. My body will most certainly thank me, especially since I�ve been crying a lot lately and losing water that way, too. I just hope that I�m able to remain awake tonight. I know that napping would be something to file under bad ideas since I didn�t sleep last night and it would be much easier to do so without catching up first. I also think that some reconnecting is needed in terms of physicality between Luke and I. Nothing has happened since at least Monday (I can�t even remember) and we need to show that we love another in ways other than speech. The upheaval this week has been really bad for both of us and I know this. I just don�t know how to stop it.