My unhappiness lately has refused to abate. I have nothing to look forward to, no goals to reach as long as I am stuck here and lonely. Last week when I was so distraught, the morning I cried myself back to sleep, I did so because I had to. Suffice to say that my other viable option was a lot more permanent than simply taking a nap. I don�t know the last time that I considered such a thing, but it certainly signals that something is beyond wrong and needs immediate attention.

Things between Luke and I are decidedly strained at the moment. He called not long ago, but said that he had to go after only a minute of talking. He didn�t say �I love you�, he didn�t seem interested in anything beyond small talk. I know that he does love me because he says so all the time, but I don�t know that this is something from which the relationship can recover. I�ve been holding a lot of mistrust for the past year and I�ve told him that as long as I can�t trust him, I can�t be secure in the relationship. I worry that my lack of trust for him will always be there, especially since last time was technically the third strike.

This last issue regarding the ex has really done a lot to drive a wedge between us as well. Apparently, the only reason he wasn�t doing anything to stop it was some sort of attempt to assert his independence, saying that just because I tell him I don�t like something doesn�t mean he has to stop. He said that my yelling at him about it was an attempt to control who he does and does not talk to, which is far from the truth. I can�t stop him from doing anything, but there are some things that I won�t tolerate and the choice is me without the irritation or the door. I�m not the only one who has standards like this, in fact, I think most people have things about which they are unwilling to compromise in order to remain in a relationship. After last night, he is saying that the next missive she sends off will be responded to with a request not to email him anymore.

While I know that yelling at him about it right off the bat without talking to him first was not the right way to go about it, I also know that if something clearly makes me unhappy enough to yell, then it�s something that should be nipped in the bud fairly quickly, not drawn out just to prove a point. I think doing that is truly one of the most juvenile things on earth. It�s like telling a kid not to stick his/her finger in an electrical socket, saying that it�s dangerous and will certainly mean bad things only having the kid do it just to show that he/she can if he/she really wants to. You know, there aren�t a lot of things that I won�t have in my life. There are four total that I don�t think are unreasonable: drugs, cheating, porn, and doing things that clearly interfere with the relationship.

Talking with Charlotte, in whatever capacity, is interfering with his relationship and he went along, continuing to put it between us just to make a point. I think that priorities need to be set prior to making such foolhardy decisions. If talking with your past liaisons is making life with your current love less than smooth, put the current one first and stop talking with and about the past. I stopped talking with my ex not only because he was inappropriate, but also because I felt like his presence was fairly detrimental to my current involvement. It�s a simple concept based in common sense. But, it would seem as if boys like to flout common sense, if only to prove that they are capable of producing more testosterone. I guess it explains why there are no major female members of the cast of Jackass. We don�t need to prove that we�re women, we just know it.

This mess is tearing me apart and I fear that no matter the plans we make, they will inevitably fall through and I will be forever stuck in this vicious cycle of trying to convince myself that it�s okay if I�m not happy and then having a breakdown. This has been happening for as long as I have been here and will continue to happen for as long as I am here. I need definite positive change. Only then can I work on making myself happy. While I am glad that I have Luke to lean on when I need it, one person is not enough. He is the only person I have regular person-to-person contact with and the only person I feel a genuine connection to here. The people we spend time with are his. His friends. His family. It�s time I had mine. I�m tired of spending time with people who have only known me for the past three years. I want people who have known me for far longer, who have been with me through the things that shaped who I am, and who know who I am beyond being Luke�s girlfriend.

I wish I were as good at working out problems in my own relationship as I am at giving advice to others about the same things. I know that leaving Luke would absolutely break my heart and his as well. I only hope that we can work through this together and that we�ll end up happy in the long run.