I know that Luke doesn�t understand the concept at all. He doesn�t understand why I want a protector, someone whose hackles rise at the thought of a threat to me. I think that any other guy on the planet would have been pissed off had his girlfriend been repeatedly requested by a potential employer to reveal her breasts. Not Luke. Most guys, my father and G included, want their significant others and children to call when they arrive somewhere (provided there�s a phone) to make sure they�re safe. Not Luke. Sometimes, I just want someone to take charge, to be the man. I tire of making decisions on my own with him just saying okay to everything. Sometimes, I�d like some contention, some healthy domestic debate, but I know that it will never happen largely in part because of how he was raised.

M always took everything by the reins and made the decisions by herself. Granted, she allowed the boys to do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted (hence, the current drug charges leveled against C and Luke�s issue with porn), but she never allowed for a voice of dissent. When she�s pissed off about something or wants something her way, she makes it known that nobody is allowed to say differently, thus making everyone around her kowtow. It drives me crazy that Luke does that with me, too. I know that decisions have never been his forte; M told me that he used to cry as a child when faced with the simplest of decisions, unable to make a definitive choice, lacking a strong opinion.

I do have to keep things in perspective, though. I know he loves me and would hate for anything to happen to me, my leaving him included. He�s said previously that he doesn�t think that he would be able to live a normal life without me around. I love him, too. No matter how stupid he can be, I am always mollified by his gentleness. I enjoy the time with him as I enjoy it with no other. I�ve never felt as comfortable with someone else as I do with him. What�s more is that we are so well suited to one another in most respects. Yes, we quibble about little things, but there are no major defects in our relationship. I think that no matter what happens, he will always be forgiven. I don�t often forget, but I am willing to forgive.

Last night, apart from us arguing, was spent with his parents stopping by and making us wait for them while they played musical license plates and thus having to change the plans we had already made with Andy. He called shortly before Luke got home, something M&G never do, saying that he had the one XBox game that Luke has ever been really excited about and did we want to come over. I said we�d be fine with that, knowing that Luke wouldn�t think twice. Had we not taken the time to eat dinner, we�d not have had to worry about the M&G thing. Curses. So, with the inconvenience of them, Luke called Andy and told him we wouldn�t be able to visit. Fortunately for Luke, Andy had no problem packing up his XBox and bringing it here. While the played video games, I went into the bedroom and watched Scientific American Frontiers on PBS. I�d rather watch that than spend an hour plus watching a pair of boys kill things with guns, particularly when one of the boys is doing something that irritates me to no end.

Going back to the thing that irritates me, I have had the chance to IM her twice so far today to tell her to go the hell away, but I have resisted the urge to take her on, knowing that it would be way too easy seeing as she�s of inferior intelligence, addled by the hormones that come with 8 months of pregnancy, and young. I am evil, but not that evil. I have scruples. Sure, I had to have help in not doing it, consulting friends and making them instruct me not to do bad things, but I managed to keep the evil me at bay.