Yesterday went from bad to worse without a hitch, starting right after I posted my last entry. I check Luke�s email for him because he asks, and this time there was something from his ex girlfriend, the crazy one. I told him, but for some reason I was angry. So, the time I spent with him during his lunch hour was spent with me being grouchy and crying. I left him to go back to work and � a mile from there the car broke down. I walked back to his work, we argued, I bought some oil and went back to the car. Oil in, car still won�t start, walk back to B&N, talk with Luke, end up staying there until it�s time for him to go home, Andy giving us a ride.

We get home, Luke calls M to try and formulate some sort of plan. He doesn�t consult me on said plan, and I don�t feel comfortable about it, so we argue, deciding not to do it after all. This morning he leaves and not five minutes later, I realize I�ve made a huge mistake, that his plan would have worked had I just taken the five minutes to check everything out. And now I feel horrible.

For the past two weeks I�ve just felt so adrift. I don�t know whether I�m coming or going and I just feel so sad all the time. I�m crying for the second time in as many days, the third since Friday, and I don�t know what to do to get myself out of it. I�m trying to put things in a better light, but I can�t even do that properly. Luke keeps telling me that everything is going to be fine, but I don�t know about that. I want to believe it, but feeling like this is just so foreboding and I just want to run away, as far as I can get. It�s nothing to do with our relationship, apart from my current mental state putting a lot of strain on it. I know what�s causing it, but until something beyond my control happens, I can�t see it getting better. I can apply for jobs, but it�s up to them to hire me. I can bottle up my feelings, but I�ll just end up imploding like I am now. I can wish and even stoop to praying that things will improve, but as long as things keep going in this direction, I don�t know when I can even try to be happy again.

I hide a lot of my feelings, even here, and though I know it�s never a good idea to do that, I don�t quite know how to stop. I grew up unable to let others see me as anything other than jubilant, afraid that they would take anything harsher as there being something wrong with me. I know now that this isn�t true, but I still have a very difficult time being honest, even with myself at times. Trying to convince myself that everything is fine when I feel as if parts of me are detaching themselves and rearranging. Saying I�m fine and being fine are two very different things.

Sometimes I just want to be rid of myself.