I hope that this doesn�t lead me to a huge heap of depression. It has in the past and it takes a long time to pull out of it. I cried about it after I told Luke over the phone. He sounded so sad for me, knowing exactly how it feels to be where I am. I wish I had been as gentle when he was going through it.

I have to make pasta salad for 50 on Friday to be served Saturday at the party. Luke and I have also been saddled with the task of getting beer. I don�t drink beer, Luke doesn�t drink beer, M&G don�t drink beer, so it�s safe to say that the beer is for C and all of his underage friends. Yeah, great. I can�t exactly say no to the situation since I�m not paying for it. Then again, I�m not really convinced that C is deserving of a party, especially given the information that I learned this past weekend. All of the complaining I�ve done about C�s drug use and drinking served me right, as I found out that the boy got in trouble, not just with M, but with his school and the police for coming to school after an open block high as a kite. Personally, I don�t think that a minor wrist slapping is in order, especially since M has been telling that child for years that he�d get into trouble for it. Were I his parent, I�d take his car, ground him for at least a month, and cancel his party, but M�s discipline strategies aren�t exactly hands on. I know that it�s more than likely just a phase that he�s been going through over the past several years and that it�s the only thing that he does, but I don�t want him getting off Scot-free, which so far he has.

Unfortunately, in talking about it with Luke, I learned that he has tried far harder drugs than I was originally aware. It struck me like a punch to the chest to learn such a thing. We were sitting there at dinner last night talking with Andy about it and how Luke had told C that he wouldn�t yell at him about it because he had done worse, when I inquired as to what was so much worse. Speed, a couple of times. I know that he doesn�t do these things anymore and he realized that they are dangerous and more than a little stupid, but it�s still really disturbing to me, the girl who�s never even picked up a cigarette. I also know that I shouldn�t be upset about things that he did before I even met him, but I can�t help but be surprised and a little dismayed at discovering this at such a late juncture. We�ve talked about his past drug use and my lack thereof previously, so I assumed it would have come up then, but I wonder if he�s hiding other things. It wouldn�t be the first time I�ve come across something like this. I�m just going to have to let it go and make myself realize that he is not who he was so many years ago and that out of respect for me, he won�t become that person again. I remained quiet for the rest of the evening and refrained from bringing it up. He needn�t know my feelings on the subject yet again.

Other than the bombshells dropped on me, the weekend was okay, I suppose. We spent a lot of time trying to adjust to being together, which led to discussions about our sex life and why our weekends tend to be so mediocre. We decided that it�s because when we finally do spend time together, all we do is talk about how little time we have. I wish things were different, but we both do, which, in a way, in a relief. At least I know that he feels the same was as I do. The sex thing was a little rough, especially since neither of us knows what to do about it, really. Since talking about it and having it end shortly and in silence, it has gotten better, more involved, less mechanical.