I have basically decided to stop posting at my old haunt. It no longer represents my thoughts and beliefs and I can�t support something I don�t believe in. The place I talk about is big on lip service and the elimination of dissent. They don�t want you to speak freely without the fear of backlash, they want you to smile and nod and be a good girl, going along with the herd.

I knew this from several months into my now 4-year sojourn when they ran two of my favorite people off of the boards. I didn�t like it at the time, but figured it was a one-time occurrence and that it was only between two very small groups of people. Little did I know that everyone had a side, everyone sided with the board�s darlings and I was too new to say that what had transpired was wrong.

Someone once took me to task on something I said and I was really angry at her for it, but now I know that she was telling it like it was, that she didn�t care about being honest with me, saying what everyone else wouldn�t. She helped me more than all the platitudes that were being offered to me on a silver platter. I will always remember what she said more than all the back-patting and virtual kisses I was getting at the time because she was right and she opened my eyes.

Unfortunately, there aren�t many who are willing to do the eye opening. So, you shit on people and tell one side of the story and the crowd cheers you, never caring to hear what the dissenter has to say and instead of asking about what wasn�t said, they attack with nails bared and teeth gnashing until you recant and promise to be a good sheep. It�s like high school in a lot of ways, and being done with that whole mentality, I�m also done putting up with it. I�m going to say what I have to say and that�s that. I don�t agree with what someone�s saying, fine. I don�t have to, last I checked, and I shouldn�t be made to in order to garner affection and respect. If that�s how it�s going to be, I say screw �em.

This has essentially been a very long time coming, though, as my posts have become more and more infrequent due to the atmosphere changing so drastically and the leaving/not so pleasant changing of people I really liked. Luke was shocked when I told him this afternoon, but he knows that I�ve been experiencing some serious unrest. I think that he is just surprised that I would turn my back after all this time.

I have made friends in the four years I�ve been there and I will continue to keep in touch with them, but I will not participate in witch-hunting.

I�ve been in a bad place emotionally lately. I seem to be sad a lot of the time and end up withdrawing. Luke keeps saying that it�s unfair to him, and I know that it is, but I don�t know any other way. I�m bored, lonely, tired of being unemployed despite my best efforts, and miss my family so much. I haven�t seen them in nearly two years and phone calls are beginning to no longer cut it. I know Luke wishes he could be all things to me at all times, and as easy as that would make things, it�s not possible. His love, support, and patience mean more to me than I can possibly say and his presence does much to calm me, but it�s a band-aid. He may protect the cuts, but he can�t heal them alone. My emotional immunity is running low and I find myself becoming more sensitive as time goes by and I hate it. I detest being personally sensitive. I�ve always been empathetic and loving to others, but when it came to things that were happening to myself, I was able to hunker down and avoid the emotional debris. I want that stoicism back.

The zoo was a fine time yesterday. I couldn�t take a piggy picture because he was sleeping and what�s the point if the real pig can�t actively participate? I did get a picture of a wallaby sitting like the cat does with his legs splayed in front of him and his little paws resting on his robust little belly, but he�s tiny in it and you can barely see him. He�s a vague brown blob.

We also cleaned out the car and it is a nice thing indeed to see the backseat again. I am loathe to even admit how cluttered it was with bottles and various other detritus. We even found a pair of my underwear and a sock that had fallen out of the laundry basket Bob knows how long ago. There is now a paper grocery bag set up behind my seat so that Luke can easily reach it when he wants to throw something away. He tends to just toss things into the backseat while I prefer to remove the trash. Now if I could just tackle the vacuuming and cleaning of sticky residue from the surfaces.

I greatly enjoyed having Luke home with me, especially since it was such a surprise. I like spending time with him, even if that means that he�s on the computer and I�m watching television. I told him that I wanted him home today and he told me that my saying that only worked yesterday.