I can�t even bring myself to get out of my goddamned pajamas. I will have to in order to go get Luke in a little over an hour, but it�s not like I plan on putting any effort into making myself look any better. I don�t even really want to go and get him. I don�t feel like being seen or talking. I want to curl up in a cold, dark room and just be. There were things I was supposed to do today, but I didn�t. I was going to draft a cover letter to a place that I�m thinking of applying to and I was going to go grab an application at my apartment complex�s leasing office. I did neither.

I�m tired of experiencing the sometimes-paralyzing sadness strikes me on the rare occasion. Last night was not something to get this upset over, not now and not ever, but I keep second-guessing everything. While I was getting the bowl of cereal that I later forced myself to choke down I was wondering if maybe everything I am going through right now would be remedied if I simply stopped, stopped all of the struggling and let myself go limp. I�m afraid. No, I�m deeply terrified that this entire mess is signaling to me that my relationship and the dreams that go with it are ready to be laid to rest. I don�t want to leave, not by a long shot, because everything I have experienced in this relationship has been, on the whole, extremely positive and eye opening. I never thought that I would find myself in a committed relationship sharing everything with just one other person and maybe it is the residue of that that fuels the insecurity and anxiety that floods my every thought at this moment. My friends and I always thought I would be the one with the fantastic job, hopping around the world with various liaisons, none of whom would be able to get such an enormous piece of me. As it would turn out, I was the first one to settle down, to become entrenched, and I have adored every moment of it, even in the hardest of times.

It isn�t everyone that is lucky enough to fall in love with someone so compatible. He is my best friend and I know that I can go to him with almost anything, but I fear that maybe that is all he is meant to be; a friend. He says that were we to break up, he wouldn�t want to see me anymore, not even in a platonic sense, because it would remind him too much of what he once had and lost. I worry that he would be better off with someone else, someone who isn�t so passionate and fiery, someone more like him, pragmatic and relaxed. I don�t want to lose him. I want to grow old with him and have children and grandchildren that visit us. I want what we have to get better in every sense, but I don�t know that I am patient enough to wait for those results to show in some sort of tangible way. I suppose that having the sex drop off and wanting so fiercely to stay is a testament to how much we have grown in the time that we have been together.

It�s just so hard to keep the insecurities at bay. They gnaw at me and tear away at what I know beyond everything to be true of myself and of us as a whole. It still wouldn�t hurt to have someone objective to shake me out of it.