Of course, I�m generally cranky, I think. Last night right before going to bed, Luke started to get upset about what I thought was solved last week. Apparently, he feels just as badly about our floundering sex life as I do, but just never tells me when I initially feel so strongly about it. I wish he were more forthcoming with things, as I managed to convince myself that it wasn�t a big deal only to have him come in like this big emotional tornado and rip out the foundation I had just poured. Just when I had resigned myself to having sex a mere two or three times a week, he cries and tells me that he wants to try and make it so that it happens daily. It doesn�t help that his crying tends to open up my very tightly sealed emotional well. I ended up crying for a very short while, to the point of sobbing once, one of those sounds that just slips out when you�re trying your hardest to maintain some semblance of composure.

When I told him that I had managed to convince myself that it was nothing to worry about he said that my backing down meant I was losing a part of myself, the part that is always so willing to fight for what I think I deserve. He thinks that he is disappointing me, but it isn�t him, it�s the situation and it�s not disappointment, it�s resignation. I have come to the realization that relationships do not maintain the original spark forever. Eventually either one or both parties realize that the other person isn�t going anywhere, and thus there�s no urgency anymore.

He just kept apologizing. I don�t hold him responsible at all, but he knows that I wish he would take advantage of the times when he wants it instead of waiting for when he thinks it should happen. He apparently thought it should happen last night when he turned off the television and tried to will himself to make a move, with little enthusiasm and little reaction from me, despite having had a prime opportunity an hour or so earlier before I wasn�t so tired and was in a very playful mood. He says he can�t time it and neither can I, but there are several times in a day where he is clearly aroused and simply does nothing about it. It�s as if he thinks that there will always be another opportunity, so he takes advantage of none of them. I don�t feel the need for scheduling. If you want it, get it, given that the other person wants it too.

I blame myself. Though he was being honest and doesn�t feel I am responsible, I turn his words onto myself and let them hurt me. When he says, �When you remind me of how little sex we have, it makes me feel like sex is a job I have to do.� I hear, �When you remind me of how little sex we have, I don�t want to have sex with you because it�s a chore.� I know that the only reason I manage to twist words into menace is because I spent so many years actually hearing menace, that I don�t know the difference.

This entire problem worries me a lot. I worry that it is going to be the downfall of our relationship because sex is such an integral part of a healthy relationship and I am afraid that he will never understand that all I really want is for us to be on the same page. It took him days to catch up with me on feeling badly about this and to drag me back into the emotional whirlwind feels terrible for both of us. He chose to bring it all up again because he was feeling badly about letting another day go past with nothing.

I guess I just don�t know what to do. I feel so alone in this. I don�t have anyone to talk to and I haven�t spent time with a girl my own age that is a friend just of me in a very long time. It�s been nearly two and a half years since I�ve seen the friends I grew up with and I�m growing weary of spending time with Luke�s all male puerile friends. Of course, the friends I used to have haven�t been in a relationship this long and they�ve never had to worry about something like this, so I don�t know that they�d be of help. Luke�s friends can�t even get girlfriends, and having never had them certainly can�t speak on such a topic. I feel depleted and it saddens me greatly.

I had hoped to be able to write about my weekend here, but none of it seems worth writing about now. We did laundry on Sunday at M&G�s and witnessed C being chewed out for his bad behavior, we went to B&N last night to watch the freaks come out for the Laurel K. Hamilton signing (it was freak-free), and we spent some very obnoxious time with Andy. Great, huh? Oh, and we didn�t have sex. Really great.