I am going to be half bad and half good today. We need groceries and we have no money other than that which I got for Christmas, so I have decided that I will sacrifice my gifts (for the moment, seeing as I�ll pay myself back once I get rolling in a job) for food, but at the same time, I am going to buy the third season of Buffy on DVD, which comes out today. I can�t be completely selfless all the time, this I know.

We have decided to scratch buying a new to us car and just fix the old one. It will probably cost about the same as it would to purchase any of the ones that M&G are looking at. Throughout this entire debacle, they have failed to realize that they will be getting paid back and that it is not their money in the end. At least I�ll still be driving my baby around, at least for a little while longer.

In spite of the fact that we�re so soul crushingly poor, I think I might actually be happy. Yes, I do want to move home and I think I will be happier for longer periods of time when that happens, but right now I�m actually doing okay. I don�t know why I feel so good. It could possibly be because we will have more money before too long and because I�ve had some motivation to actually move in that direction.

Maybe it is because I�m writing again. It�s a small thing, but once I write about it, things are not so worrisome. Letting words spill onto the screen is therapeutic for me, it�s telling in a calm and rational manner how I feel. The human-to-human exchange of feelings has always been difficult for me, but writing it is comfortable and warm. Writing blankets me and cushions my emotions when they�re simply too volatile to be touched by another person. Being overwrought in the presence of others is simply too much for me and I tend to be unable to comport myself in any fashion resembling civilized. Putting things into the written word is safer for everyone involved.

I worry about my Grandmama. She will be ninety-one in April and I hope that she will make it long enough for me to be able to spend some time with her before she goes. My Gram tells me that she thinks Grandmama is failing, that her body just doesn�t want to carry her soul around anymore. I can understand this. Grandpapa has been gone for nineteen years and everyone she has known for so very long is just dying around her. She must feel terribly lonely. I�m so glad that I�ve been able to know her, that she�s made it this far with so few problems. Last I knew the only medication she was on was Prozac. All in all, for such an elderly body, it is a sound one. I don�t want her to start preparing to go, like Luke�s Great Grandpa did. If she does, it will mean that I have to come to terms with my family aging. I know I get older, but my older family members are in something of a suspended age animation for me. Their numerical ages make no sense to me; the illnesses through which they suffer are always overcome. Everyone heals so well and stays the way they are. I worry for the older ones: Gram, Grandpa, and Grandmama. I want each of them to live to see the births of my children and for my children to know them as I have.

I love them too much to let go.