In talking about this new job prospect for him, we ended up talking about how I want to leave here and he managed to let it show that it�s really not what he wants. I explained to him that come hell or high water, I will leave whether he comes along or not. My preference is for him to come along and I doubt I�d actually high tail it out of here without him, but that�s not really a worry as he said that where I go he goes, end of story.

I had several conversations with people last week about relationships and I realize just how lucky I am. Luke is supportive of me always, tells me I�m beautiful no matter what I weigh, and does things for me that he knows I will love. It�s hard to put it all into words now that I�ve had time to reflect upon it. Most people will never have what we do as a couple or even as friends. There is a connection between us that runs deeper than any I can imagine, beyond blood, more intimate than experience, it�s simply innate. We are alike enough to be forever comfortable and different enough to keep things interesting. I realize that people think us strange because we are inseparable, because one cannot sleep without the other in the room, because we prefer the company of one another to that of others, all due to the fact that it is something they have never experienced and more than likely never will.

Yes, I freak out sometimes, feel the need to run to the far ends of the earth, but that is never because of Luke and always because of my own neuroses. This is not what I thought my life would be. In school, when we would talk about our futures, we always saw everyone but me being settled. I would take men and use them to my satisfaction and move on. I would be gently ruthless, cutting swaths through the field of eligible bachelors, having my way with the ones I deemed worthy, moving on without a second thought. We thought this because I was so fiercely independent, a take neither shit nor prisoners girl. Unfortunately, being that type also makes you emotionally hard, walled in more often than not and ultimately the result of not feeling worth the intense adoration of another person. This is why I still wall off. He�s too good and I don�t know that I am worth such love, devotion, and attention. I am capable of freely giving of myself until I�ve only enough left to regenerate, but not so capable of taking reciprocally in such a manner. Symbiosis is hard for me and leaves me feeling like a parasite despite the fact that I know we are each benefiting from the other and coping with it can be difficult. It�s a matter of intellect over emotion and I wrestle with my heart, trying to tell it that this is good and right and exactly what I need. I know this, but my feelings have a mind of their own.

Four years later, I am everything we thought I wouldn�t be and I am happy. I love having a soul mate. I used to laugh at people who talked about such a phenomenon, but now am awash with guilt over my former amusement, as I now know exactly what they were feeling. I can�t imagine waking up without him, not seeing him every day and exchanging kisses as though they were candy. To try and picture it is a deserted, barren landscape, desolate and incredibly sad. I never thought I would need another person and be needed as I am now. To think of potentially losing him hurts me even now, knowing he�s a mere six miles away working to pay our rent and keep us fed. He spoke of his death last week and I hated him for it. Though it will inevitably happen, some time long in the future, I don�t want to think about it. Losing him would be to lose half of myself and in telling me that he will die, even if it is after a long life together, I feel a palpable tug of that half, reminding me that it is but temporary. If I don�t have to think about it, the half of me that is he remains snug and perfectly jointed. Every time losing him has been a possibility, though by my own volition, I end up holding him to me, entangling my fingers in his hair and crying into his shoulder, keeping silent and trying not to let him know. I cannot honestly say that I would know what to do if I were to lose him.

People spend their whole lives lamenting a lack of, and searching for, exactly what I have when I never even had to look. He drifted into my life like a dandelion seed and implanted himself in my heart, only instead of a yearly bloom, it is daily and each new one is more brilliant than the one before it.

_____________________________________________________________

I�m growing restless with my current template and am thinking of changing it again. In know it has only been a couple of weeks with this one, but as I said before, I put it up more out of spite than actually wanting to look at it every day. I sort of fell out of love with it the day that it all went to hell and I had to fix it. The fact that it doesn�t work completely right also has a lot to do with my unrest. I�m going to see what I can drum up and go from there. I have a couple of things in the proverbial vault, so I�ll probably tweak one of them and throw it up.