What does throw me off is when she tries to contact me. I never grace her with a response, of course, but just the sight of her name and that she still refers to herself as my mom galls me. I have a wonderful stepmother who has been there since I was very young. She�s been supportive through everything and has something about her demeanor that most moms just don�t have.

I try so hard not to be like the one who poisoned my thoughts and strained the relationship I have with my dad to the point that when I lived with him I couldn�t trust him. I hope that her traits don�t emerge in me as I get older. I already know I have a tendency to be particularly venomous when I get mad at someone who is close to me. It tears me up that she chooses to come out at those times, when I�m most vulnerable and haven�t had time to think things through. I don�t have the urge to drink to excess (to drink at all, really), or to bring home every man who bothers to look twice. Instead I have a wonderful boyfriend with whom I plan to spend the rest of my life.

I have been reconciling myself to what she did to both my brother and me over the past half decade and with each day comes what I hope are throwing away equal parts hatred in exchange for gaining pity and forgiveness. Unfortunately, I don�t believe that I will ever be capable of forgiving her for doing to my own self-image what she did. It�s a constant uphill battle to realize just how good a person I am, that people love me, and that I am gorgeous. I�ve spent the past two days feeling really wretched about the way I look when I know for a fact that I am more than desirable. It infuriates me that I am still so tainted by all those words that poured from her vile mouth over the course of my childhood.

It�s unfortunate that she had such a terrible upbringing; from knowing that she was never wanted, to the abuse and the rape, but even people whom have had horrendous childhoods are able to make the decision to never treat their children poorly and become fantastic, loving, involved parents.