she needs a little love

Listening to Damien Rice's O||Thinking of Final Fantasy Tactics Advance||

@ 4:49 pm on 12.27.03

I don�t like Christmas anymore. Not here, at least. Everybody makes it out to be such a huge chore and they don�t do anything because they want to, they do it because they feel somehow obligated. Sitting in a house full of people who could honestly give a damn if I exist or not isn�t my idea of fun. I always feel like the outsider; the fat girl who talks funny, eats strange things, and laughs too loudly. I know these things are not true of me, but I can�t help but feel that way, knowing I will never belong here, never be fully accepted. I saw it more this time than ever before. Because of E�s being here. She, like C, gets more attention than either Luke or I, solidifying the fact that C is the favorite. She�s been around 6 months and she got more gifts than I did. Luke says that C is the favorite because Luke has made it clear that he doesn�t need M in an emotional context or any other, really; that he keeps her at arm�s length for self-preservation purposes. He makes me so thankful for his presence at times like this.

My haul here was a little Asian inspired wallet thingy and a $30 gift card to Target, which I used yesterday to buy myself 4 pairs of boyshorts and two camis, one of which Luke couldn�t resist me in. Nice, huh? Yeah, great when you consider that E got the exact same thing only in a different color and an entire outfit. Luke got me another little kid book, which I adore because he thinks about these things and, though it�s small, it means very much to me and I know that our rings aren�t far away. Luke�s step-grands gave me a $25 gift card to Michaels craft store, so I can buy needles and yarn for my next project.

My familial haul was considerably more substantial, when you think about it. I got The Joy of Cooking and a check for $50 from my grandparents; Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Philosophy (Popular Culture and Philosophy Series): Fear and Trembling in Sunnydale, Season 5 of Buffy on DVD (since returned and now I have a gift card worth $48.52 to Best Buy), and a check for $200 from my parents; and a check for $50 from my step-Gram, whom I consider to be a real Gram. Add all of that to the fact that I still had $100 in checks from my birthday and I have a little over $500 at my fingertips. 4 lovely crisp hundred-dollar bills are sitting, along with the gift cards, in my wallet as I type.

I went shopping a bit yesterday, hence the new unders, but Best Buy was a complete zoo and I hate crowds, so I couldn�t shop leisurely, choosing to just leave than be anxious. I want to look at tomorrow�s sale fliers for deals and I may get a digi cam and a bunch of other stuff. I�ve been playing with Luke�s sexy GameBoy Advance SP since he got it. He doesn�t seem to mind, even hands it over willingly without my asking. Luke called off work, so he even spent the day with me. The rest of the householders went up north, so we had the whole house to ourselves (still do). I loved having the freedom to roam about freely, letting kitty CAM in and out when he wanted, not having to deal with a sniveling ill-behaved dog, and taking as long and hot a shower as I damn well pleased. We spent most of the day in Madison shopping and we had a lovely dinner of Indonesian. A first for both of us.

Sadly, I have a pretty grisly wound on my right foot. I noticed it Christmas night when I got out of bed for something. It must have been a blister and that moment was when it decided to hurt. Hurt it did, too. I keep walking on my tippy toes on that foot to spare it more discomfort. It�s on neither the heel nor the ball, but across from the arch. Odd place for it.

Luke�s working at the mo�, but the weekend is upon us and he may have Tuesday off in lieu of New Year�s. As of the 3rd, he�s on vacation until he goes back to work on the 13th, so updates may be a bit sparse in the coming weeks. When we get our rings, though, I will take pictures and put them up, probably with a spanking new digi cam.