I�ve been taken to task for the third time for being honest and having it called critical. I�m not criticizing, not telling people what to think or how, but how and what I think. Being honest can have the side effect of being hurtful, but it�s never my intention. Apparently, I�m too forthcoming on how I feel about Andy�s practices. He said I�m not wrong in my feelings, but that I should not express them.

I just feel that Luke�s always jumping to the defense of others, but not to mine. He claims that he waits to do it in private, when I don�t know he�s doing it, but the proof is in the pudding, not in the bowl left in the kitchen sink. I wish that just once, he would jump in when it�s needed, when I have just been injured. So far, in the past month or so, I have come away offended, not having defended myself at his behest, with him not stepping in for me. His mother called me a bitch and he said nothing. C was rude to me specifically in front of a group of his friends and Luke sat by and watched. When someone tells me that I am most important to him or her, I expect a little support when the cloud seems to be hanging over me alone. Come on, you might get a little wet, but chances are, you�ve got a nice big umbrella and can stand to share it with me.

Had I had it my way, I would have defended myself fully, telling his mother to get out of my house if she was going to be rude to me, and letting his brother have it in any way I could possibly muster at the moment. Whatever came to mind would have served me well. Instead, I was calm as water on a clear, windless day and so was he. He claims that he�s gone to bat for me more times than I could possibly know, but if I can�t possibly know, then how can I be expected to know that he has at all? Moreover, if he has, does this mean that everyone dislikes me? The times I�m not there and am slandered, I don�t care. Whatever is said never reaches me. But, when something is said directly to me, that is when it is most important to just say, �That was uncalled for.� It�s not a matter of throwing down what he�s doing and challenging the offender to a duel, it�s a few words, whichever are seen fit at the moment.

I�ve defended him whenever anyone has said something even remotely negative about him. I really stood up to my father for the first time in my life over Luke, and would do it again in the blink of an eye. Luke says he doesn�t care what anyone says to him, but last year when his mother called him a loser because he couldn�t find a job, he waited until we were in bed to start crying and asked me if I thought the same. I�m not going to go into the Thunderdome with his mother, as she more than likely fights dirtier than Tyson, but when his feelings are jeopardized, you can bet I�ll jump in there with anyone else, willing to risk my own skin to save his. I�ve lit into his friends and mine for merely hinting at hurting him and all I want is a little bit of reciprocity.

I�m not angry at all; I�m simply disappointed. I wish I were angry because then I could throw things and yell, but all I�m left with is a little ball of despair sitting in my stomach and making it roll.

I had to explain to him why I didn�t want to be touched. I want some emotional space. Speaking is fine, as is sitting in the same room, but touching unsettles me. Comfort is something I will seek when I want it, but for now, I am content to just be in my own person. It�s not an overly tall order and it is easily delivered. He keeps coming out here from the bedroom saying that he can�t sleep without me and I tell him that he can wait until I have finished what I am involved in. He knows that this is how it works when I get upset, and seeing as he is the one who chose to arouse such feelings, he can stew until I am ready. If it weren�t for my inability to sleep without him, I would sleep on the couch with the cat, but that�s not possible. Besides, I�ve done my crying and it�s not worth an entirely sleepless night. It may be late when I finally do sleep, but sleep I will, and well.