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@ 1:29 pm on 03.25.03

The floodwaters finally broke on the intense sadness that I�ve been feeling over the past week. It happened last night after we had returned from being out with Andy and Luke hadn�t been feeling well all day. We had a relatively tough weekend having good times interspersed with tension and we both ended up doing a fair amount of crying, only I couldn�t seem to stop. He would look at me or try to speak to me and I would just start sobbing again. It didn�t help that I had no words to articulate why I felt so badly. I still don�t. The worst bit was when we had been simply lying together in the dark and he asked if we could have sex. After managing to squeak out that I didn�t know I folded into him when I normally turn away and simply broke down. He held me until I had calmed slightly and asked if he could kiss me. There is something about that kind of sex that is so intensely relieving. At those points, it isn�t a matter of want but one of need for one another, for that unique closeness that I only share with him.

Unfortunately, even though we were both feeling better afterwards, we found it impossible to sleep. I wallowed in that space between sleeping and waking where dreams seem to make themselves known, but the slightest movement brings me fully back to consciousness while Luke simply tossed and turned, as alert as he can be. We would speak to each other on occasion, and I told him he could read if he thought it would help. He put him bedside lamp on the floor and continued with Stupid White Men, which has recently popped back up on the best sellers list. It was after three-thirty when he turned out the light and decided he was fatigued sufficiently to nod off. When six-thirty rolled around, he was perfectly awake and decided he was okay to go to work. I told him to call if he felt he couldn�t make it through the day, so I took the phone into the bedroom with me when I went back to sleep.

Andy�s parents have gotten the ball rolling on purchasing him a condo here in Madison. He plans on moving sometime in the next couple of weeks and it will certainly be nice to not have to drive a full hour if we want to visit him. Of course, this has other benefits as well. Largely, that we can go to his house and have our fill of high speed access when he�s not otherwise occupied and spend more time with him simultaneously. He wants to get a pet, something interactive. He says that he wants a dog, but he�s a pretty busy guy, so I don�t know that a dog would be the greatest pet for him. Maybe this is because I am a cat person by nature, but I think that despite his allergies, a cat would suit his lifestyle better. Yes, I do like dogs as well, but I relate better to cats on all levels. I don�t have that conscious canine desperation to please, even though I�ve been told that I am decidedly eager when meeting new people. I liken it to the way our cat behaves: if he doesn�t like you initially, you�re not worth knowing, but if the introductory rub proves worth the effort, he�s yours in perpetuity.

Luke and I had the affidavit sent to us by B&N notarized yesterday. It was considerably easier than we thought it would be, having only to take it to the bank so that one of the �personal bankers� could sign it. This makes us legally binding domestic partners. Andy asked if we would be referring to one another as �my partner� from here on out, but we both deem such a thing to be ridiculous. We will remain in name as boyfriend and girlfriend until which time as we are engaged and then married. Partner seems too sterile and extremely clinical. I don�t want to refer to my significant other as I have to when filling out the questionnaire for my annual PP exam. �How many partners have you had in the past 6 months?� I have had one, only one, in the past two and a half years and it will stay that way with the number remaining static as each successive year passes.

We�re purchasing Jackass: The Movie today. We saw it in theatres and it was both hilarious and nauseating. It�s an extraordinarily guilty pleasure, but I get to look upon the luscious Bam Margera, so that mitigates the guilt. I�m actually getting it for Luke because he had what could be referred to as his worst week at work yet. They�ve been moving things around a lot because the head B&N honchos deemed it so and new carpet is slowly being installed every night, making the store smell strongly and aggravating allergies.

I�m waiting with baited breath for Secretary, which is supposed to hit stores on April 1. I�m glad that I have tax refund money left. Of course, this is what I have been saving it for. We�re also anticipating the releases of The Family Guy (April 15) and The White Stripes� Elephant (April 1).

It�s growing late and I should probably put on something other than my Lilith Fair tee shirt and plaid boxer shorts that are serving as my pajamas for the week. (I will hear nothing of �ew, that�s gross!� as I only wear pajamas for a couple of hours out of every day immediately after waking up.) I also need to eat something, as I have ingested nothing since last night.

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